finals week.

Do not worry then, saying, ‘What will we eat?’ or ‘What will we drink?’ or ‘What will we wear for clothing?’ For the Gentiles eagerly seek all these things; for your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
-Matthew 6:31-34

I worry. A lot.

About all the wrong things, too. Not that I think there are "right" things to worry about... but most of the things I worry about are material. They do not last outside of this world. Things like grades, items I've misplaced, but mostly grades. God has blessed me so much in that I don't need to worry about what to eat, what to drink, what to wear... but I worry about so much more.
And then there are the other things I worry about. My relationships with people. My future. Am I loving people the way God has called me to? Am I headed in the right direction?

But God has me in the palm of His hand. He is holding me tight and He won't let go. As a friend said to me, He loves me mega ultra much ^_^ I just need to trust Him more.


so why do I worry?
why do I freak out?
God knows what I need
You know what I need
Your love is strong.

learning to appreciate nature.

I was thinking yesterday.
(always dangerous, I know.)

But what if we are taking everything, literally everything we are not constantly thanking God for, for granted?
Often, I attribute everything that leaves me in awe to God.
But what about the things that don't generally strike me as amazing? That I don't usually notice?
Little things, like the way a branch finally lets its last leaf flutter towards the frosty dirt below.
Like the way the color of the sunlight changes between each season.

These things are beautiful.
They are good. They are perfect. They are God's creation, and as far as I can tell, are unmarred by humanity.
According to James 1:17, "Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows."
These are gifts.
They are gifts!
And I am ungrateful.
God has been teaching me so much about how beautiful this world is through the gift of photography. Photography has taught me to look at the world in different ways - to notice the way the light and shadows fall, to pay attention to my surroundings, to look for beauty in things that would be ignored by most or even classified as ugly.
And through these changes in myself, I am able to see God a little more clearly.

who am i?

I know I should be finding my identity in Christ.
but what does that even mean?

I find that I'm totally different depending on who I'm around.
maybe not. maybe it's just that I'm willing to be much more vulnerable around people I don't actually know... (hello, Internet.)

but at the same time, I feel like because I do share a little bit deeper here than I do with most people I know, you guys might have a totally different impression of me than I feel is completely accurate. I'm ridiculous in person - if you get me out of my quiet and shy stage, I start going insane. my friends all think I'm absolutely ridiculous - and I like it that way. weird is fun, normal is boring.

but who does that actually make me?

comfort, my constant.

all through the night I was falling
straining to see Your light shining
You never gave out
You never gave in
You never gave up on me
You are my constant

Your love makes me strong when all hope is gone.

all through the night
Your love is faithful to me
all through the night
Your love is right here with me
all through the night
Your love is holding me

these words speak to me.

distanced.

I see God doing so many amazing things among my friends. especially the new freshmen... I don't know their testimonies but seeing how they grow from day to day just amazes me.
I've heard so many amazing things about how God is working on this campus. I hear these things... but I am never personally a witness to them.

where is God in my life?

I'm trying. trying so hard.
maybe it's the fact that I'm trying.
He doesn't call us to try...
He simply calls us to believe and obey.

"So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised. For in just a very little while, 'He who is coming will come and will not delay. But my righteous one will live by faith. And if he shrinks back, I will not be pleased with him.' But we are not of those who shrink back and are destroyed, but of those who believe and are saved. Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."
-Hebrews 10:35-11:1

I feel a little bit lost and... far away, I guess.
I know in my mind what I believe.
I just don't see God changing things.
I don't really see God working.



I miss being close to God.

it's a work in progress.

I've been learning.
learning about where I belong. who I belong to. who I am.

I've been realizing.
realizing that there is no way I could do this on my own.
I've gotten pretty close to the point of overwhelming stress... but I haven't reached it, thanks to the beautiful people God has placed in my life as well as the rest and strength He has given me.

being wholly centered on God is something so crucial to abundant life. it's a relatively easy concept to understand... yet the hardest concept to put into practice.

centered.

to be focused.

suffering from the i-don't-belong-here blues

but remembering that this is not my home.
I do not belong in this world - I am not of this world.
my home is with God, and with God alone.

--

i want to write...

but i've been rendered speechless.









and i'm not sure that it's a bad thing.














.

where i belong

feeling like a refugee

this air feels strange to me

take a deep breath and close my eyes

one last time

until i die i'll sing these songs
still looking for a home in a world where i belong

this body's not my own
this world is not my own

until i die i'll sing these songs on the shores of babylon
still looking for a home in a world where i belong

where the weak are finally strong
where the righteous right the wrongs
still looking for a home in a world where i belong

the little things/where i belong.

i think i've begun to lose sight of where i belong.
what i belong to,
who i am.

the craziness of this life has gotten to me.
but He's giving me rest.
much needed rest...
and it's bringing me back.

the little things.

Anyway by Kent M. Keith

this is a poem a friend sent to me.
it might not be the best "literature" but it meant a lot to me.

People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered;

Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives; 

Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies;

Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;

Be honest and frank anyway.

What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;

Build anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;

Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;

Do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;

Give the world the best you've got anyway.

You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and your God;

It was never between you and them anyway.

old soul song

and all the way home you held your camera like a Bible,
just wishing so bad that it held some kind of truth.

loneliness | solitude

loneliness and solitude are two things not to get confused

because i spend my solitude with You

note to self:

He will never leave.

you are never alone.

don't you dare forget that.

to be vulnerable.

one of my friends wrote an encouragement note to me earlier this year that said "sometimes the most vulnerable parts of us are the most beautiful parts of us."

I had no idea what that meant and why he wrote that when I read that note at first.

but it's hit me that I am so afraid of being vulnerable. I'm afraid of these deeper conversations, of these deeper friendships.

I'm not sure why. it's not that I'm particularly quiet; it's more that I'm quick to laugh, quick to talk about things that don't matter at much. but when it comes to anything deeper, I close off immediately.

there is a definite difference between being quiet and being introverted.

even though I am so introverted, I still need an outlet. writing, photography, and God have been so much more to me this summer than ever before. I have been so afraid to share these with people that I know in real life-I'd so much rather hide behind a screen of red, green, and blue dots.

and what's wrong with hiding behind these colors?

I'm still connecting with people. there are so many people out there that inspire me and bring my spirits up that I've never met in real life. that in some cases, I've never really interacted with - it's just their work speaking to me in ways that are so, so powerful.

I have a question, though.

what is the point of being vulnerable? what is the point of connecting with others? why is this so hard - and why should I care?

eight:twenty-one

i love wegmans.

you probably have no idea how much.

it is this amazing grocery store near me. the one where these photos were taken is one of my favorite places to be. now you might think "what a loser, she loves a grocery store... who hangs out at grocery stores?"

everyone in this town does. at least, i don't think i've met someone from around here yet who doesn't love wegmans.

anyways... it's photo-spamming time!

eight:twenty

along with visiting canadice lake, I went out to dinner with my family and took a walk around the city. the lake was absolutely gorgeous and I hope to go back soon to take some portraits - it is such a perfect location for photos. I might have to go back by myself with just my camera and the tripod sometime too; I am so self-conscious while taking self-portraits. it's awful. 

but here are a few photos from the day!

the coolest music store i've been to in a while. not that i go to cool music stores on a regular basis... i love amazon.

canadice lake.

Canadice Lake is an absolutely beautiful lake that is one of the reservoirs for Rochester, NY. since it is a major water source, no developments except for government ones are allowed to be constructed in the park. no swimming, camping, or boating is allowed except for fishing (and only then with a government permit). because it has been so preserved, this lake has almost no lingering effects from humans (litter, dirty water, etc.) and is a great getaway.

here are some photos from the lake... (click to view larger)

eight:nineteen

went to Colie's and Forever 21 with carley, christine, and jess!
Forever 21 workers have told me not to take photos in their store before, but they didn't say anything about the iPhone... and it's not like i would be copying anything in their store anyways. haha.

the first two shots are taken with the iPhone and edited with the Instagram app. the last is an attempt at faking Instagram colors.

92{100}

edit 1

edit 2

sooc

just a quick before and after! all I used to edit these tones were curves and a bit of desaturation :)

eight:eighteen

abbott's frozen custard with the fam :)

playing with color balance

eight:seventeen

geocaching and ice cream with jess and jessie! :)

making faces at some bees...

we found some creepy bones in the park while geocaching...

 we also found this guy! 

we finally find a cache with a stash ;)

bill wahl's for ice cream

eight:sixteen

went to borders with my sister to take advantage of their sale.
they said i wasn't allowed to take photos but i had never had issues there before...