learning to appreciate nature.

I was thinking yesterday.
(always dangerous, I know.)

But what if we are taking everything, literally everything we are not constantly thanking God for, for granted?
Often, I attribute everything that leaves me in awe to God.
But what about the things that don't generally strike me as amazing? That I don't usually notice?
Little things, like the way a branch finally lets its last leaf flutter towards the frosty dirt below.
Like the way the color of the sunlight changes between each season.

These things are beautiful.
They are good. They are perfect. They are God's creation, and as far as I can tell, are unmarred by humanity.
According to James 1:17, "Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows."
These are gifts.
They are gifts!
And I am ungrateful.
God has been teaching me so much about how beautiful this world is through the gift of photography. Photography has taught me to look at the world in different ways - to notice the way the light and shadows fall, to pay attention to my surroundings, to look for beauty in things that would be ignored by most or even classified as ugly.
And through these changes in myself, I am able to see God a little more clearly.

who am i?

I know I should be finding my identity in Christ.
but what does that even mean?

I find that I'm totally different depending on who I'm around.
maybe not. maybe it's just that I'm willing to be much more vulnerable around people I don't actually know... (hello, Internet.)

but at the same time, I feel like because I do share a little bit deeper here than I do with most people I know, you guys might have a totally different impression of me than I feel is completely accurate. I'm ridiculous in person - if you get me out of my quiet and shy stage, I start going insane. my friends all think I'm absolutely ridiculous - and I like it that way. weird is fun, normal is boring.

but who does that actually make me?

comfort, my constant.

all through the night I was falling
straining to see Your light shining
You never gave out
You never gave in
You never gave up on me
You are my constant

Your love makes me strong when all hope is gone.

all through the night
Your love is faithful to me
all through the night
Your love is right here with me
all through the night
Your love is holding me

these words speak to me.

distanced.

I see God doing so many amazing things among my friends. especially the new freshmen... I don't know their testimonies but seeing how they grow from day to day just amazes me.
I've heard so many amazing things about how God is working on this campus. I hear these things... but I am never personally a witness to them.

where is God in my life?

I'm trying. trying so hard.
maybe it's the fact that I'm trying.
He doesn't call us to try...
He simply calls us to believe and obey.

"So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised. For in just a very little while, 'He who is coming will come and will not delay. But my righteous one will live by faith. And if he shrinks back, I will not be pleased with him.' But we are not of those who shrink back and are destroyed, but of those who believe and are saved. Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."
-Hebrews 10:35-11:1

I feel a little bit lost and... far away, I guess.
I know in my mind what I believe.
I just don't see God changing things.
I don't really see God working.



I miss being close to God.

it's a work in progress.

I've been learning.
learning about where I belong. who I belong to. who I am.

I've been realizing.
realizing that there is no way I could do this on my own.
I've gotten pretty close to the point of overwhelming stress... but I haven't reached it, thanks to the beautiful people God has placed in my life as well as the rest and strength He has given me.

being wholly centered on God is something so crucial to abundant life. it's a relatively easy concept to understand... yet the hardest concept to put into practice.

centered.

to be focused.

suffering from the i-don't-belong-here blues

but remembering that this is not my home.
I do not belong in this world - I am not of this world.
my home is with God, and with God alone.

--

i want to write...

but i've been rendered speechless.









and i'm not sure that it's a bad thing.














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